Unfulfilled potential

Lately I feel like I want to scream. I have so much energy to waste and no outlets.

My science in the lab is stalling because of causes outside of my reach, so all I am doing is waiting around “optimizing” things that do not need any optimization just to fill my days.

I recently started playing basketball again after many years to find a way to let to some steam. Running and going to the gym was not enough anymore, I found myself obsessing over my problems during the workouts so I was not able to clear my head anymore. So basketball sounded like a good idea. And it kind of is, I play mostly with guys, taller faster and younger than me, so I need to be very focused to keep up with them and this keeps me focused on the game only. But I rarely get to do good moves because I am very rusty and physically at disadvantage so I feel extremely frustrated.

And I have not had a stable relationship in the past 4 or 5 years I think, this makes me feel extremely restless, craving company and skin to skin contact.

Overall I feel like a ball of energy, not positive energy, just bored and extremely dangerous. I know I tend to fall into self-destructive behaviors when I am in this mental place, so I need to be quite careful. I feel to weak to let myself go.


Brand new person, same old mistakes

I feel like a brand new person, Tame Impala sing, but I make the same old mistakes. And that’s exactly what happened to me again. I was finally feeling ok, confident and mentally if not healthy at least balanced. And I met a guy, a good looking guy even, that spent 8 hours of his friday night talking to me and me only. Of course stupid me goes with the flow and we end up spending the night together.

Then morning comes and after some more fooling around the dude leaves. Without asking for my number.

I should have known then and there that this was gonna be exactly like all the other times, I was a good distraction for a friday night but nothing more really. But no,  I go and ask for his number to a common friend and ask this shy, nice, cute guy to meet again. Which he agrees on, but then he becomes flaky and we end up never seeing each other again.

I unfortunately perceive all episodes of this kind as rejection and, being quite unlucky in the love department lately, these rejections affect me more than they should. Even when the guy himself is not that interesting or clearly not a good match for me I feel terrible.

When did I become so desperate for attention? Why do I need to feed my soul with external approvals to feel ok? I am surrounded by friends that love me very much and it’s somehow not enough.

Well, until next time I’ll try to heal my wounded ego and go back to feeling ok.

What doesn’t kill you makes you angry

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I do not believe in that. What doesn’t kill you makes you weary, what doesn’t kill you makes you tired. It makes you sad. It makes me angry and fragile. All the scar tissue is tough but not elastic anymore, it doesn’t allow me to bounce back on my feet.

After almost 10 years of heartaches and heartbreaks, I feel like I cannot play this game anymore. Why do I always end up crying my eyes out for some stupid boy who doesn’t give a shit? Why am I the one that feels that there is a connection, a spark, a possibility when clearly there is absolutely nothing? And more than anything else, why do I so desperately need closure all the times? I should learn that indifference is closure.

I should know by now that if after sleeping with you guys don’t write to you again or they are not that nice anymore it means they just do not care enough, and most likely they got already what they were looking for. Deeply in my heart, I know it perfectly well but somehow I try to find excuses, I hope so hard that this one time is different, this one person is different, that it is worth getting to know me for a change.

Every time I get hurt, I tell myself that enough is enough, next time I will be tougher, I will be merciless, I will be able to get all the good bits and ignore the bad ones, I will not make mistakes and I will not feel stupid.  It works, for a little while. However, just around the time I feel confident again and I feel like I’m emotionally balanced and I can enjoy life there is this one person coming around that catches my attention. Obviously, I think that this time I can handle it, I can spend some time with this interesting guy and maybe have a little fun and I will be cool, I will not be hurt, and I will not want more. It doesn’t work like that.  Nine times out of ten I want more, I want to see them again, I want to be held again, I want to get to know them and only then decide if this could be something real or not. Nine times out of ten I do not get this possibility, actually ten times out of ten in the past 6 years. Probably it is my fault, I cannot play my cards well enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not smart enough, or I don’t know. I just know that I am angry, and I am sad, and I feel used and confused. Stupid to have let this happen to me again. For sure I do not feel stronger, and I do not stand taller, I am just bitter and out of energy. I just want this one person to hurt, possibly a lot.