Lately I feel like I want to scream. I have so much energy to waste and no outlets.
My science in the lab is stalling because of causes outside of my reach, so all I am doing is waiting around “optimizing” things that do not need any optimization just to fill my days.
I recently started playing basketball again after many years to find a way to let to some steam. Running and going to the gym was not enough anymore, I found myself obsessing over my problems during the workouts so I was not able to clear my head anymore. So basketball sounded like a good idea. And it kind of is, I play mostly with guys, taller faster and younger than me, so I need to be very focused to keep up with them and this keeps me focused on the game only. But I rarely get to do good moves because I am very rusty and physically at disadvantage so I feel extremely frustrated.
And I have not had a stable relationship in the past 4 or 5 years I think, this makes me feel extremely restless, craving company and skin to skin contact.
Overall I feel like a ball of energy, not positive energy, just bored and extremely dangerous. I know I tend to fall into self-destructive behaviors when I am in this mental place, so I need to be quite careful. I feel to weak to let myself go.