What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I do not believe in that. What doesn’t kill you makes you weary, what doesn’t kill you makes you tired. It makes you sad. It makes me angry and fragile. All the scar tissue is tough but not elastic anymore, it doesn’t allow me to bounce back on my feet.
After almost 10 years of heartaches and heartbreaks, I feel like I cannot play this game anymore. Why do I always end up crying my eyes out for some stupid boy who doesn’t give a shit? Why am I the one that feels that there is a connection, a spark, a possibility when clearly there is absolutely nothing? And more than anything else, why do I so desperately need closure all the times? I should learn that indifference is closure.
I should know by now that if after sleeping with you guys don’t write to you again or they are not that nice anymore it means they just do not care enough, and most likely they got already what they were looking for. Deeply in my heart, I know it perfectly well but somehow I try to find excuses, I hope so hard that this one time is different, this one person is different, that it is worth getting to know me for a change.
Every time I get hurt, I tell myself that enough is enough, next time I will be tougher, I will be merciless, I will be able to get all the good bits and ignore the bad ones, I will not make mistakes and I will not feel stupid. It works, for a little while. However, just around the time I feel confident again and I feel like I’m emotionally balanced and I can enjoy life there is this one person coming around that catches my attention. Obviously, I think that this time I can handle it, I can spend some time with this interesting guy and maybe have a little fun and I will be cool, I will not be hurt, and I will not want more. It doesn’t work like that. Nine times out of ten I want more, I want to see them again, I want to be held again, I want to get to know them and only then decide if this could be something real or not. Nine times out of ten I do not get this possibility, actually ten times out of ten in the past 6 years. Probably it is my fault, I cannot play my cards well enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not smart enough, or I don’t know. I just know that I am angry, and I am sad, and I feel used and confused. Stupid to have let this happen to me again. For sure I do not feel stronger, and I do not stand taller, I am just bitter and out of energy. I just want this one person to hurt, possibly a lot.