Unfulfilled potential

Lately I feel like I want to scream. I have so much energy to waste and no outlets.

My science in the lab is stalling because of causes outside of my reach, so all I am doing is waiting around “optimizing” things that do not need any optimization just to fill my days.

I recently started playing basketball again after many years to find a way to let to some steam. Running and going to the gym was not enough anymore, I found myself obsessing over my problems during the workouts so I was not able to clear my head anymore. So basketball sounded like a good idea. And it kind of is, I play mostly with guys, taller faster and younger than me, so I need to be very focused to keep up with them and this keeps me focused on the game only. But I rarely get to do good moves because I am very rusty and physically at disadvantage so I feel extremely frustrated.

And I have not had a stable relationship in the past 4 or 5 years I think, this makes me feel extremely restless, craving company and skin to skin contact.

Overall I feel like a ball of energy, not positive energy, just bored and extremely dangerous. I know I tend to fall into self-destructive behaviors when I am in this mental place, so I need to be quite careful. I feel to weak to let myself go.


How to waste an entire weekend and figure out something about yourself: Skyrim

Last weekend I was alone at home and I did not feel social at all. As impossible as it may sound Netflix has nothing on that interests me at the moment so I decided to install Steam and purchase a now classic, “The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim”. I was not new to the game, I used to play with my then boyfriend roughly 5 years ago I back then I remember finding it amazing. Something I find funny is that the first time I played the game I actually did not know the meaning of “scroll” and I did not even bother to find it out… Well, now I know it at least.

So for who does not know what Skyrim is, it is an action role-play game set in a fantasy world where you create your own character and move around discovering new places and fulfilling some tasks. There are some main storylines in the game but you can decide weather to follow them or not, if you just want to wander around and kill what ever you see you can.

At the beginning of the game you are asked to create the character and I opted for a blond viking-looking warrior named Kiven (from the Moonsorrow song). Then I played I think 13h between saturday and sunday. Not healty. The game is fun and there is ton to do, sometimes even a bit too much. The endless possibilities made me feel somehow a bit stuck and this made me reflect on something. Very often if I am given too much choice and very little direction I lose any ability of making decisions and I just quit everything. And that is exactly how I feel both in Skyrim and in the PhD. I do not make any decision and I simply fulfill marginal tasks, like tiding up my desktop (in real life) and help whatever side character that lost its carriage/daughter/treasure (in the game ofc).

Too bad it took me 13h of game-playing to figure out this weakness I have. It was not a sad weekend or a wasted weekend, it was quite fun, only not healthy for my eyesight and my social life I guess.

Next step will be trying to overcome this problem, and learn to make choices that are not “wait around and see” all the time.