I need to find my way back in. I know this since months.
Gather my focus and my energy and finish up the PhD, publish a paper (“The Paper” as i often call it) and find a job that actually pays my bills. All easier said than done.
With the cold weather I feel energized and more awake, not sluggish and sad like I felt last year but I still feel like i need to recenter myself.
Recently I got a wise fortune cookie that told me “Don’t lose your aim”. Problem is that I do not even know what my aim really is. It seems rather obvious, since my funding will run out in a year so I need to push the experiments that I need to have enough material to write a thesis and graduate. Yet I do not think this is my aim. My aim is to grow as a human being and the PhD is not helping me to do that anymore. It used to though, it showed me exactly where my boundaries are, how much am I willing or capable to work to obtain good results, or any results really, for my project. It helped me to realize I am not my work, the quality of my data does not define me as long as I gave all I can. And obviously the PhD contributed to teach me a great lesson, one that I really needed: your boss is not there to tell you you did a good job, even when you did a good job, and this is ok as long as you are able to see for yourself that you did well. Growing up I was always praised and patted on the head from my parents and teachers and as a consequence I always seek that type of confirmation from others, something that “in real life” happens quite rarely. At least in my lab. My hard-ass professor tends to ignore me, so for three years I needed to make all the decisions for myself and evaluate my choices using my own judgement.
I do not know what the point of this post is or of this blog. But I need a brain dump to babble and try to define what I want from life and how to get it.
I definitely need focus.