What doesn’t kill you makes you angry

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I do not believe in that. What doesn’t kill you makes you weary, what doesn’t kill you makes you tired. It makes you sad. It makes me angry and fragile. All the scar tissue is tough but not elastic anymore, it doesn’t allow me to bounce back on my feet.

After almost 10 years of heartaches and heartbreaks, I feel like I cannot play this game anymore. Why do I always end up crying my eyes out for some stupid boy who doesn’t give a shit? Why am I the one that feels that there is a connection, a spark, a possibility when clearly there is absolutely nothing? And more than anything else, why do I so desperately need closure all the times? I should learn that indifference is closure.

I should know by now that if after sleeping with you guys don’t write to you again or they are not that nice anymore it means they just do not care enough, and most likely they got already what they were looking for. Deeply in my heart, I know it perfectly well but somehow I try to find excuses, I hope so hard that this one time is different, this one person is different, that it is worth getting to know me for a change.

Every time I get hurt, I tell myself that enough is enough, next time I will be tougher, I will be merciless, I will be able to get all the good bits and ignore the bad ones, I will not make mistakes and I will not feel stupid.  It works, for a little while. However, just around the time I feel confident again and I feel like I’m emotionally balanced and I can enjoy life there is this one person coming around that catches my attention. Obviously, I think that this time I can handle it, I can spend some time with this interesting guy and maybe have a little fun and I will be cool, I will not be hurt, and I will not want more. It doesn’t work like that.  Nine times out of ten I want more, I want to see them again, I want to be held again, I want to get to know them and only then decide if this could be something real or not. Nine times out of ten I do not get this possibility, actually ten times out of ten in the past 6 years. Probably it is my fault, I cannot play my cards well enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not smart enough, or I don’t know. I just know that I am angry, and I am sad, and I feel used and confused. Stupid to have let this happen to me again. For sure I do not feel stronger, and I do not stand taller, I am just bitter and out of energy. I just want this one person to hurt, possibly a lot.


A bit too confident

Last weekend I told I guy that I like him. I’m 28 years old and this was the first time I did something like this, I gathered my courage, put on an smile and simply told the words. I felt awesome.. for 2 seconds. His response was terrible, he looked very uncomfortable and he awkwardly said thank you. Then he jumped on the spot and started talking about the weather. Yeah, he literally jumped and changed topic.

So I guess I was wrong and he does not like me back. I felt quite confident that he does but clearly mine was wishful thinking.

Obviously I am thinking about what to do or not to do next, I could text him and ask him to go out for a drink but I think it looks pathetic and desperate. Or I could wait for a move from his side. The most likely move he would make is NONE.

So I think I need to just let this one go and deal with the disappointment.

Being bold it’s not always a good idea unfortunately.

How to waste an entire weekend and figure out something about yourself: Skyrim

Last weekend I was alone at home and I did not feel social at all. As impossible as it may sound Netflix has nothing on that interests me at the moment so I decided to install Steam and purchase a now classic, “The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim”. I was not new to the game, I used to play with my then boyfriend roughly 5 years ago I back then I remember finding it amazing. Something I find funny is that the first time I played the game I actually did not know the meaning of “scroll” and I did not even bother to find it out… Well, now I know it at least.

So for who does not know what Skyrim is, it is an action role-play game set in a fantasy world where you create your own character and move around discovering new places and fulfilling some tasks. There are some main storylines in the game but you can decide weather to follow them or not, if you just want to wander around and kill what ever you see you can.

At the beginning of the game you are asked to create the character and I opted for a blond viking-looking warrior named Kiven (from the Moonsorrow song). Then I played I think 13h between saturday and sunday. Not healty. The game is fun and there is ton to do, sometimes even a bit too much. The endless possibilities made me feel somehow a bit stuck and this made me reflect on something. Very often if I am given too much choice and very little direction I lose any ability of making decisions and I just quit everything. And that is exactly how I feel both in Skyrim and in the PhD. I do not make any decision and I simply fulfill marginal tasks, like tiding up my desktop (in real life) and help whatever side character that lost its carriage/daughter/treasure (in the game ofc).

Too bad it took me 13h of game-playing to figure out this weakness I have. It was not a sad weekend or a wasted weekend, it was quite fun, only not healthy for my eyesight and my social life I guess.

Next step will be trying to overcome this problem, and learn to make choices that are not “wait around and see” all the time.



Don’t lose your aim

I need  to find my way back in. I know this since months.

Gather my focus and my energy and finish up the PhD, publish a paper (“The Paper” as i often call it) and find a job that actually pays my bills. All easier said than done.

With the cold weather I feel energized and more awake, not sluggish and sad like I felt last year but I still feel like i need to recenter myself.

Recently I got a wise fortune cookie that told me “Don’t lose your aim”. Problem is that I do not even know what my aim really is. It seems rather obvious, since my funding will run out in a year so I need to push the experiments that I need to have enough material to write a thesis and graduate. Yet I do not think this is my aim. My aim is to grow as a human being and the PhD is not helping me to do that anymore. It used to though, it showed me exactly where my boundaries are, how much am I willing or capable to work to obtain good results, or any results really, for my project. It helped me to realize I am not my work, the quality of my data does not define me as long as I gave all I can. And obviously the PhD contributed to teach me a great lesson, one that I really needed: your boss is not there to tell you you did a good job, even when you did a good job, and this is ok as long as you are able to see for yourself that you did well. Growing up I was always praised and patted on the head from my parents and teachers and as a consequence I always seek that type of confirmation from others, something that “in real life” happens quite rarely. At least in my lab. My hard-ass professor tends to ignore me, so for three years I needed to make all the decisions for myself and evaluate my choices using my own judgement.

I do not know what the point of this post is or of this blog. But I need a brain dump to babble and try to define what I want from life and how to get it.

I definitely need focus.